Confession time, I don’t like holiday music. I know it’s a scrooge moment but a long time ago I listened to the songs, like really listened, and it ruined me. Figuring out what these lyrics meant was worse than finding out that (Spoiler Alert) Santa isn’t real. But you’re clearly using the internet so you already know that, if not, you’re welcome.  Anyway, I’m here to christen some reality to what these songs really mean and what lesson you should take from them.

1. Baby It’s Cold Outside.

Beautiful, please don’t hurry

Maybe just a half a drink more – Put some records on while I pour

The neighbors might think – Baby, it’s bad out there

Say, what’s in this drink? – No cabs to be had out there

This is by far the creepiest song of the season. It’s about a drunk man insulting a drunk woman trying to make her stay the night so he can possibly take advantage of her. The lyrics even sound like he slipped something in her drink so he could deck her halls.

Lesson Learned: This girl needs a buddy system and to stop using tinder.

2. The Twelve Days of Christmas
   
   
   

Six Geese a Laying

Five Golden Rings

Four Calling Birds

Three French Hens

Two Turtle Doves

and a Partridge in a Pear Tree

This song is about a woman who is passive aggressively telling the world all the crappy gifts her boyfriend got her, and how she discovered he is a little too into birds. Apart from the rings, she now has to get a place for the hens, a pond for the geese, and wherever turtle doves sleep.

Lesson learned: Nobody wants a bird for Christmas, stick to gift cards.

3. Santa Baby

Been an awful good girl, Santa baby,

So hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa baby, a ’54 convertible too, light blue;

I’ll wait up for you, dear; Santa baby,

So hurry down the chimney tonight.

This song is about a girl who is into older men and wants to be a sugar baby as long as she gets the car she wants.  Why need a chimney when she can just leave her front door open? She clearly wants a car, is into silver bells, and want to get her stocking stuffed.

Lesson learned: Don’t exchange your body as a gift, that’s prostitution.

4. Last Christmas

I wrapped it up and sent it

With a note saying, “I love you,”

I meant it

Now I know what a fool I’ve been.

But if you kissed me now

I know you’d fool me again.

This song just makes me feel terrible, and it really sounds like something T Swift would write. This poor person got screwed over by someone and somehow people latched on to this song. Who dumps someone on Christmas?! Somebody get this person an eharmony account and a lot of vodka.

Lesson learned: Christmas isn’t Valentine’s Day.

5. Jingle bell rocks

Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock

Jingle bells chime in jingle bell time

Dancing and prancing in Jingle Bell Square

In the frosty air.

What a bright time, it’s the right time

To rock the night away

Jingle bell time is a swell time

To go gliding in a one-horse sleigh

Good luck reading these lyrics without seeing the cast of Mean Girls. With that being said, there’s nothing wrong with these lyrics, Tina Fey just ruined it.

Lesson learned: You Go Glenn Coco.