I’ve been happily sober for 10,668 days, which is to say…my entire life. For me, it’s a personal choice informed by religion, and also one that surprises many people I meet.
Why? Perhaps because I’m a naturally boisterous night owl — some insist, cheesily, that I’m “high on life” — or maybe it’s my love of rock ‘n’ roll or the fact that I often write about arts and entertainment and am somewhat entrenched in that lush-friendly scene. So I sometimes run with packs that like their booze, which means a non-drinker like myself is faced with ordering many a virginal drink around town. And I’m certainly not alone.
Designated drivers, the health and calorie conscious, Alcoholics Anonymous members, responsible adults with early-morning meetings and, what with smoking bans in effect in many cities, even partying pregnant ladies needn’t despair when their non-sober buddies suggest hitting the town for the evening. I’ve got you covered, with a little help from some creative bartenders around town.
Bartender Keri Ufferman slings drinks at hip spots such around Chicago, so we tapped the experienced ‘tender for some insider information on what to order.
“What I can make really depends on the ingredients available, and that varies by bar,” Ufferman says.
She explains that at some less-well-stocked bars the fanciest concoction she might suggest is a blend of energy drink and cranberry juice, whereas the others offer more options thanks to ingredients such as lychee juice to perk up a fruity cocktail with the more readily available pineapple and cranberry juices, or fresh mint to muddle for a refreshing virgin mojito.
Bartender Jeremy Pena at the Chaise Lounge in Chicago suggests skipping his bar’s raspberry margarita if you’re going virginal, reasoning the drink would be fairly boring without the Jose Cuervo.
He made me a lychee mango margarita instead. The original drink is an icy, blended mix of mango puree, lychee juice and Malibu rum, and Pena subbed in pineapple juice for the missing Malibu. The result was sort of like a fancy slushy that tasted of exotic fruits instead of high-fructose corn syrup with blue food coloring. Tasty, cool and significantly more chic in its cocktail glass than a Big Gulp bucket.
At Hopleaf Bar, a Chicago beer pub renown for stocking about 200 brews from Belgium and beyond, we asked what we’d imagine few patrons do: “What do you have that’s non-alcoholic?” Ginger ale, soda and non-alcoholic beer, replied the affable bartender.
In all my years of not drinking, I’ve never had a “near beer” — with so many people likening the taste to urine over the years, it’s simply never been tempting — so I reasoned it was worth a shot at this beer emporium. So, when in Rome … you have a Clausthaler, which is a 12-ounce bottled German malt that smells like delicious cider and tastes far, far less than delicious. The golden brew had a fairly harsh, bitter bite that firmed up my confidence in my gut instinct.
A caveat: Some near beers do have a small percentage of alcohol, so skip it altogether if you’re aiming for zero tolerance.
Bartender Calvin Marty at Matilda in Chicago rose to my challenge by whipping up a large glass of “Crazy Juice,” shaken — not stirred — on the rocks. The juice cocktail is made with orange, pineapple and cranberry juice, and a splash of club soda. Marty garnished the glass with a cherry and slices of lemon, orange and lime perched on the rim. It’s a straight forward option, but the serving is generous and the sweet, citrusy, orange sherbet-colored drink’s presentation more fun and kitschy than just another glass of diet soda.
